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lyrics

It's that time again

Time to question everything

Breaking myself into a thousand piece puzzle
Not just the fat and the muscle
The blood, sweat, bone and tears
But the fears
Insecurities
Impurities
The things that worry me
And the big questions, like will anyone ever marry me
The why, why not
And everything I've got
Everything that wants to rule my world
As the plan is unfurled
And ripped to shreds
The secrets lying in my bed
Thrown in for bad measure
Mixed with false treasures
It's time to examine it all
As I fall
Into autumn
Rebuilding from the bottom
Looking at every piece before adding it or discarding
The easy and the hard things
Feeling it all 'til it's all overwhelming
Feeding until I don't know if I'm hungry
Thinking about those who love me
And those that said no
Most I let go
And breathed a sigh of relief
Make the breath deep
Then fight with the grief
I won't spite the belief
That my life won't be brief
I won't deny I believe
That I'll live to be 90 at least
Devouring a fat feast
To wrestle with this bad beast
There are things I question
Without exception
The failures and successes
The nos and yesses
The knows and guesses
The setbacks and lessons
Living free or destined
Past perfection
'Til I'm onto the next sin
I was never really a freshman
Because I lost my mom at 15 and started college less than a year later
Which made my fears greater
I didn't feel accepted at the university
Where no one had heard of me
Living with my grandma and working at the bookstore
Being younger than everyone else made it hurt more
And so did the fact that I would've gone to college for free
If my mom had completed her PhD
And survived the cancer
I would've found very different answers
But I won't go down the road of what if
Somehow I never even smoked one spliff
And didn't drink until I was 22
Because what I knew
For sure
Was that drugs and alcohol would never be the cure
It wasn't really about staying pure
Well, maybe a little bit
Part of me is still a little kid
Not touching drugs because my dad
Told me they were bad
But as an adult, I've made my own decisions
With the wisdom
That I have to do what's right for me
That's why I'm writing this tonight you see
Part of it's therapy
But it's mainly about fully examining me
Denying or affirming
What keeps my fire burning
Because forever I am learning
Or at least for the rest of life
And it makes for a long night
Where I'm definitely not alright
But I keep going
So I can keep growing
I take a look at my dreams
And what pursuing them really means
Part of me will always be pissed off
That I couldn't get this off
The ground
Trying to make a living from my sound
But I couldn't do it
I couldn't even make a profit off my music
And I'm trying not to lose it
Thinking about all I've lost already
And I'm not so steady
Licking my dry lips while my hands are sweaty
My face is flushed
As my thoughts cascade in a rush
A waterfall of emotion
As I leave the flood gates open
To let hope in
I have to face my doubts
To make me proud
I have to break me down
And look at the role love has played
Rejected in so many ways
I still think I'll be accepted one of these days
And not by someone old enough to be my mom
Shortly after she was gone
I was 16, and this woman was 39
And our lives intertwined
Because I liked her 15 year old daughter
But I crossed that bridge over seriously troubled waters
Then I met my soulmate
But before I could ask her out on a date
Her ex lied to me and stole her back
Causing a two year heart attack
I truly loved her
I believe she'd be the mother
Of our wonderful children
But again
That what if road is closed
And I suppose
It's for the better
Our story was a book long love letter
That no one ever got to read
And that wound occasionally still bleeds
But that scar is a part of me
One that I couldn't change if I wanted to
When I see it in the mirror, I say I love you
Then I question my philosophies
And if they're honestly
Holding me back or lifting me up
Am I giving too much
Am I taking enough
Am I making it tougher
Than it has to be
I reflect on family
And how much it matters
Even if they're scattered
Thousands of miles apart
They're always in my heart
Do I take too many risks and are they the right ones
Do I sacrifice tonight to make my life fun
Am I making the wrong turns
Thinking about the long term
And not focusing enough on this moment
Not knowing
If it's safe
Somethings I have to take on faith
Because hope is what makes freedom so valuable
No matter how you fall

credits

from Zachariah Sebastian, released May 1, 2015

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about

Mission Man Cincinnati, Ohio

Hip-Hop Without Ego.

Mission Man began rapping in 1992, when a friend told him to "kick a rap." Gary (Mission Man) replied, "I can't rap man," but after his friend insisted, Gary did indeed kick a 30 second rap. In 1998/1999, he began playing the drums, bass, guitar, keyboard and taught himself to produce.

Music is Mission Man's passion and purpose in life.
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